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Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009
12:23 am - I didnt want to upset you and send this as an email
So yes, I'm still intoxicated but I wanted to write you tonight to finish and correct what I started saying when I was leaving. I'm not sorry; for once. I'm not sorry that I value sleep and my job. I'm not sorry that I'm conscious of how much money I spend at the bar and that I don't supplement it with getting high or whatever other drugs people are doing on fucking Monday nights! I'm not sorry that I am not an alcoholic and that two drinks will get me feelin pretty good. I'm not sorry to leave so that I don't get tempted to smoke cigarettes. I'm not sorry that I'm not getting high on set break. And you are all amazing musicians but I'm not sorry when I leave early for MGM because Hippo is a real band with their own songs that I will stay all night to watch and support. I love you, Joseph, in any case, and I know you love me too, for who I am. I just wanted you to know what I was thinking.

current mood: sleepy

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Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009
8:34 pm - No big deal
Ran (jogged) only 2.65 miles tonight. But still no cigarette since Saturday! I really think I can make it. Big test will be this weekend getting drunk for my birthday. I'll keep working hard. Anyhow, quick post tonight; I still want to do some ab and arm work. See ya!

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Tuesday, September 1st, 2009
1:03 am - Proud
I drew a big circle with a line through it on the top of my hand in black sharpie to tell myself not to smoke; I haven't had a cigarette since Saturday night. I even went to the bar tonight for about three hours and still didn't have one. I'm better than that. I turn 25 on Sunday. I also didn't have any cream in my coffee the past two days. And tonight at the bar I had vodka and soda instead of vodka and sprite. Woohoo!

However, I'm also doubting some other things in life right now. I'm thinking of sharp objects. And just bad stuff. Again, I'm turning 25 soon; I should be over all this shit.

Strength to me, please.

current mood: disappointed

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Monday, August 17th, 2009
4:47 pm - Running journal
I <3 running and I <3 Gmaps Pedometer. Over four miles today (I ran through the park and the university so it was a little hard to track) @ 134lbs = 440cals. w00t. I don't feel half bad about that one. Got really sweaty too.

My new little secret: I like running more than sex. Why? Because I feel more accomplished.

Also, goal, once again: quit smoking!! Trying to breathe today was very hard. I'm thinking of getting a no smoking stamp and putting it on my hand everyday to try to remind myself. Or maybe I just need to run everyday to remind myself.


current mood: satisfied

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Tuesday, August 11th, 2009
9:19 pm - Lame attempt
3.9388 miles @ 133lbs = 396 cals burned. Well, I ran by myself and didn't walk too much. Better luck next time.

current mood: sweaty

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Thursday, August 6th, 2009
7:30 pm - Bike trip number two
Ok, to yoga and back was another almost 5.5miles or 537 calories. W00t! For dinner in between I had some greens with miso ginger dressing, some raisins, dry roasted edemame and a raspberry jiffy muffin my roommate made.

So, I still need to go to Nicole's but that's another 3.5miles each way...carrying my laptop, I don't think I'm going to make it. Especially if she wants to run when I get there. So, I'm tired, I'm just gonna take the car.

Have a good night everyone!

current mood: worn out

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4:05 pm - Woohoo!! Burnin calories!
All right! I biked over 10 miles today! At my current 130lbs (I've been effectively reducing my daily caloric intake again) that makes over 1007cal burned (according to Gmaps Pedometer)! And I'm not even done yet!! I still have to ride home and then to yoga and back...and then to my friend nicole's house and maybe go for a run as well! Wow! I'm doing great today! Good thing, because the weekend is vastly approaching and that means one thing: more calories.

Take care!

current mood: happy

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Saturday, July 18th, 2009
12:23 am - Why does home make me depressed?
I can't seem to answer that but I feel like I get grumpy when I visit my parents' house. Today was prompted by my "job," but then eating got thrown in there and lack of talents or skills and doing all this stuff for the wedding shower...we went and saw the new HP movie tonight, which took my mind off things for a bit but now I just feel ick again and don't want to go to bed. Maybe I'll watch tv with the bro...I just wish I didn't feel like crap all the time.

current mood: discontent

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Wednesday, June 17th, 2009
10:47 pm - Still struggling
Ok, as I figured; operation eating again has turned into an all out binge. I'm totally overeating now that "I'm allowed to eat." Fuck, gotta pull it back in again. Didn't help to have the shower weekend, then my family came to visit and left cheeze-its and cereal and bread. Fuck. I feel like I need to live alone, clean out the fridge and only have available the things I can eat. Fuck. How can I find that middle ground I'm looking for???

current mood: restless

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Monday, June 15th, 2009
12:20 pm - fuck you
I'm still hovering around 130lbs. I just want to loose my gut, but I don't feel my workouts or yoga classes are as effective when I'm fucking about to faint. So, sorry, I guess I do need to eat.

current mood: frustrated

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Friday, June 12th, 2009
3:01 pm - Getting tough
Woke up really hungry today. Didn't sleep much last night; was very hungry then too (my tummy kept rumbling). Woke up today around 10a and had water and coffee. Then my friend came over for lunch and brought me a salad with dried cherries, cashews and some sort of cheese. As I knew I would, I ate the entire thing. But dude, I was so hungry! I took my laxative today and now just finished a 45min-hour workout. I'm going to a bridal shower this weekend so eating's going to be tough. Maybe I'll just drink more. I'll bring my water bottle and just try my best. My leg is still sore; I wish I could run.

current mood: drained

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Thursday, June 11th, 2009
2:22 pm - heaving drinking and bananas
Good Morning! So after some beers and such at the show last night I got back to my boyfriend's house around 3a I would assume and passed out. I believe I drank the following:
2 Miller Lite bottles 192 cals
1 plastic cup Blue Moon (one bottle is 171cals)
I had some sips/gulps of other people's drinks too though so I'm probably looking at more like 375 additional calories. Oh well, I think that would still only total me around 700 for yesterday.

Anyhow, today I helped my boyfriend with two large bites of chocolate chip muffin from the coffee shop plus a latte (about 100cals) and a banana (100cals) so I could venture a good 300cals so far today. Now I'm just chillin back at home before I go to my first yoga class tonight at 6p. Since my boyfriend is out of town now I think I might just splurge and grab a Rice Dream and watch a movie tonight.

Have a good day, everyone.

All right. Dinner @ 5:30p:
1/2c garbanzo beans 110 cals
1/2tsp butter 8cals
~1/3c frozen spinach 25cals
1/2tsb butter 8cals

Yay, only 151 cals for dinner! But add that to the 200-300 I've already had today and we're lookin at most likely 450cals for the day; yikes! Oh well, off to yoga.

current mood: surprisingly well

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Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
2:03 pm - Confirmation and guilt
Ok, confirmation, I got on my scale at home this morning and I was indeed less than 130lbs - sweet. However, then I felt guilty for not eating this morning so I just did.

6oz frozen broccoli cuts 60cals
1tsp butter 17cals
1 muffin/bread 100cals (plus some honey but I'm not counting it)

6:30p - guilty "dinner":
6oz salad 25cals
1/2c garbanzo beans 110cals
1tsp butter 17cals

So that gives me a total so far of 329 so we'll say at least 350 - suck. So I feel guilty when I eat and I feel guilty when I don't eat...

current mood: confused

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Tuesday, June 9th, 2009
12:26 pm - It’s all about starvation. Pop stars don’t eat.
12:30 - "breakfast":
6.5oz homemade fruit salad
2oz cheese 162 cals

woke up at 9a again and had some water and lots of coffee (with creamer)

around 6:30-6:45
5.5oz homemade mixed greens salad with radishes, yellow pepper and carrots 25 cals (I had some dressing too but whatever, I didn't measure it out)
8oz soy milk 100cals

woohoo, only 287 today! So we'll say about 300 again to count for creamer and dressing. I just stepped on the scale at my friend's house and it said 129.2 - I'm normally 134!!! Two days of not eating really does the trick! If I can get down to 125 and stay there I'll be happy.

Oh, also walked and biked today.

current mood: hyper

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Monday, June 8th, 2009
12:14 pm - consumption
So far today:

Two cups/mugs coffee with creamer
One cup/mug soymilk

woke up at 9a - now 12:15p
keep up the good work!

Just finished at 1:30p
12oz homemade mixed fresh fruit
1 pkg meal/shake 130cals
8oz soymilk 100cals
2 scoops/tbsp ground flax seed

finished around 6:45p
9oz grilled asparagus 51 cals
3oz canned beans ~ 78 cals
1.5oz colby cheese 122 cals
glass of crystal light

Total Day's Cals: 481 per the numbers above but we'll just say 500 to include my coffee creamer and other miscounts

current mood: accomplished

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Thursday, May 21st, 2009
9:34 pm - What better to do when you've just quit your job?
I went to an art auction and spent $146. I feel so blessed that the fates have influenced my life as they have. I am extremely fortunate and thankful. And I had tons of fun eating, drinking and bidding on the art tonight. I took home two wall pieces, along with a necklace I'm going to give as a gift.

current mood: thankful

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Sunday, May 10th, 2009
5:47 pm - goes to show ya
For all those of you who don't yet listen to Pandora.com - go check it out. Anyhow, I was just listening to the White Stripes station when on came Hash Pipe from Weezer. This song is on the Green album from 2001 and I remember singing the song and enjoying it. Yet, just upon hearing it today I realize even in 2001 I did not know what a Hash Pipe was and therefore what I was singing along to. Ha. I just think that's funny and reconfirms by oblivious-to-drugs nature that I had then and moreover for most of my life.

Just to fill you in on the current state of things, I have put in my two weeks, quitting a job for the first time in my life, and consequently doing the infamous "soul searching" on what to do with my life now. Comments welcome.

current mood: curious

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Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
10:18 pm - clean
Good day today. Went running with Nicole. Vaccumed. Showered. Did dishes. Went outside.

Remember, remember.

current mood: relaxed

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Wednesday, April 22nd, 2009
8:51 pm
Today is Earth Day and I didn't do anything for it. A few people at work asked me about it and I had to reply that I didn't have time this year. Between trying not to get fired from work, studying for the GMAT, working out, sleeping, planning people's weddings and hang out with my boyfriend I don't have any time for Mother Earth right now...and I hate it!! Everyday I want to either fork my eyes out or put a hole in my head. I want to put my life on pause; I feel like I'm running on a track going nowhere. Bleh. Oh well. Talk to you later.

What keeps me going in life: love, caffeine, coffee and chocolate.

current mood: depressed

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Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
9:28 pm
Hello friends. I've missed you. I'm drunk, pissed off and depressed; what's new, right? Please come talk to me.

current mood: drunk

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